My beloved husband, Kent, died in January 2012, 3 years after diagnosis of a brain tumour. Our son was 2 1/2 and our daughter 3 months old. He and I were far too young. I am now hurtling through the black space of life without him.

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Seeing Red

So then. Anger. If I'm going to write a blog about grief, I should mention the A word. It's a phase on the curvy graph on an A4 sheet of paper that I have about grief. In reality, it's a hideous beast and of course, like much of this, feels like it will be with me forever. Don't get all positive on me and tell me how good it is that I'm working this through, it's better-out-than-in, good to process my feelings, blah, blah. I'm not sure I want to tell you how anger looks for me, but it is a very ugly and unpleasant companion. The little guys don't see the worst of it, but they do see some of it and how I hate that. It's my understanding that lots of parents with small children get angry with them at times - toddlers certainly know how to press the wrong buttons. But it's here that I realise I can't quite relate to that. I have never been a parent not living under the shadow, or crushed beneath the blackness, of cancer. It's not uncommon for the little guy (combined with my sleep deprivation) to trigger my anger, but it comes from a place, and goes to a place, far beyond him and like all of this grief, it is unbearable.

1 comment:

  1. Many of us fear anger above all. It's the one we work hardest to keep at bay. It's the most unpredictable. We can hide our other feelings but anger always rears its head. We get hugs and kindness for being sad or lonely or depressed or something else. Anger repels. It tests relationships. Thank you for telling us you are angry. You should be. Furioius in fact. You were told to hold on and guard and trust. Look where that got you. Angela, There are black days and red days. And yellow days, too. Your friends, your God, your family are here for you throughout. Reuben and Esther love you no matter what. They understand. They will understand. They are grieving too, you see. Whatever you do or feel, keep open. It sounds trivial, but keep writing. We don't judge. Be patient with yourself. You're making it through. We love you and cannot wait to see you ver soon!