My beloved husband, Kent, died in January 2012, 3 years after diagnosis of a brain tumour. Our son was 2 1/2 and our daughter 3 months old. He and I were far too young. I am now hurtling through the black space of life without him.

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

The Hard Days

As many of you know, I got through a big weekend recently. Our 10th Wedding Anniversary. Easter. Celebrations of a miracle and victory over death. A long weekend where "everyone else" had their husband at home. A trip to the cemetery. My 19th anniversary as a Christian. Our first trip to my mother-in-law's without Kent. A trip to the zoo without him.

Like the first time I looked after the kids without any help, it was either going to be a complete train wreck, or a great success. It wasn't a train wreck. I made it work. (And I had help). I bought myself flowers - I was reluctant, but I knew Kent would want me to. I looked through wedding photos with the little guy, who helped to make it fun. I had visitors. I did it, I gave it my best, and I got out the other side.

And then it was Tuesday, and the train wreck began. It seems for me at the moment, it's the ordinary days that are the hardest. Anniversaries and big days are hard, we all know that. And maybe in the future they will be the times I grieve the most. But right now I'm grieving all the the time, and I miss Kent in the ordinary, not just the special. I really steeled myself for the weekend, but when it was back to a normal old day, the steel turned to cotton wool.

I miss him every day, in everything.

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