My beloved husband, Kent, died in January 2012, 3 years after diagnosis of a brain tumour. Our son was 2 1/2 and our daughter 3 months old. He and I were far too young. I am now hurtling through the black space of life without him.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012


I have learnt a lot about fear too. Well, I have experienced a lot. You know the phrase about sweating with fear. Back in early January I used to wake in the night with damp soles of my feet. Fear coming out through my feet.

Afterwards, I couldn't really be bothered with fear anymore. I had no energy left for it. I was living my worst fear and there was no room for imagined fear. But it does seem to be creeping back in. The problem is, I've learnt that nothing stands between me and tragedy. I suppose we tend to think we are going to be OK, things will work out alright. God, The Universe, Fate, Inner Strength... whatever it is for you, will take care of you. But I know bad things happen. To me. To us. And without wishing to be too over the top about it, I have no reason to believe there is any protection in place now any more than there has been. I know a woman who lost 2 husbands and a child to cancer. That's her story, not mine, but I know that bad things can happen once, and they can happen again. I wasn't immune, and I'm still not immune. It's a hard to lesson to have learnt.

This is not about optimism or pessimism, faith or belief. It's about experience - which is my focus at the moment. I wonder what your thoughts are on this. Whether you will clamour to tell me that it's all going to be ok, that I will be ok. What you will base that on. I'd like to hear.


  1. You will become a new person over time. I wont say you will be "ok" because you will in time become more than that. Beyond the fear and the grief and all the ordinary days there is a "new". Like all that happens it will creep up quietly and you will only notice it when you look back. Hold onto to hope and courage. You already have them. Nobody has protection from tragedy but they have the choice how they react. I'm standing on the sidelines cheering you on and I know you will be

  2. Thank you anonymous - I would love to know who you are!